So done

I havent written in a while :/ my bad. I haven't had much to say. Ok that's a lie...I have had plenty to say. But I havent wanted to say anything till now when things are finally starting to look better. The last 24 hours have been great. Pretty difficult but great. I have come to realize who my true friends are and who really loves me. I totally lost sight of that for a good long time cuzz I started wondering about other things...other people...other words and actions that I hadnt used before. I lost the person that meant most to me because of that and it hurt so bad. I was so confused as to what I wanted. I mean...I knew what I wanted (God, Jeremiah, my fam) but I thought maybe I was missing out with some other things. I wanted both worlds I guess. But I couldnt have both worlds. I really hurt Jeremiah to the point he had to leave. After that I didn't see the point in even pretending to be a good person and decided to do whatever I wanted. I am SO ashamed of the way I have acted the last 2 weeks! Im not even gonna say some of the stuff I did and said. Its bad. And last night I couldn't take it anymore...I was so alone... so I texted Jeremiah. He came over at about 1:30 am and we talked till like 6am. I love him. When I actually have the state of mind to listen and want to be a good person...he has the best advice in the entire world (next to my daddy hehe). I feel so silly now for some of the things that I wanted before and hurting those closest to me because of it. None of it was worth it. The happiness that I tried to find in other people and other things only made me feel empty and left me wanting more to try to fill that emptiness (with the exception of a few people who really do care...you know who you are :) ). But I am done. I am done hurting the people who love me most. I am done trying to be friends with people who when it comes down to it just dont care. I am done wondering what it is to have a secular life style. I am done with the language. I am done with the slutty persona I took on. I am done stressing about who likes me or doesnt like me (because in the end I know who will never stop loving me and caring for me...the rest dont really matter!). I am done. The end. Case closed. Forget 'beginning new chapter in my life' cuzz I am starting a whole new book! I have so much to fix and so much stuff to say to so many people. Stuff to say to parents who I cant believe havent given up sooner. Stuff to say to my siblings who I adore but really havent shown that. Stuff to say to a boyfriend who loves me despite everything I have done. Stuff to say to my boyfriends family who are (for good reason) worried for their son. Stuff to say to my true friends who haven't left my side. Stuff to say to my here and now friends who really don't give a crap about me. WHOA! So much to do. But you know what? It's so worth it.