This hurts :/

I haven't written in a long time. Mostly cuzz I am only allowed to use my iPod now. Long story and I don't really feel like getting into that. But ya... I'm going pretty crazy right now. I have sooo many feelings going on in me and it's killing me. I'm happy cuzz I no longer have the stress of a relationship that seemed so one sided. Sad cuzz,well, I just lost the person I love the most in this world. Angry cuzz I would do anything to get him back and angry cuzz I fell for the same crap I have fallen for 3 times already. And stressed cuzz i don't know who I can believe anymore. I mean, this person I thought never would lie to me, never leave me, and never stop loving me is gone. I'm so lost. You see, I love him. More than I love a lot of people. I would kill for this guy. I would walk around the world just to see him and hear him say he loves me one more time. And it kills me because, only a couple of days ago, I thought it was the same for him. Only a day before we broke up we were talking about spending our lives together and how we couldn't wait. He had all the right things to say. Idk I he ever meant it. Ugh. I'm rambling. But I don't care...I'm dying inside. How the heck can things change so fast? How can you go from
'i love you sugar and I can't wait to marry you' to saying basically you are done putting the effort into the relationship in like 1 day? You see, sometimes I didn't feel the love. And I told him when that happened. And he said ' I don't think I should HAVE to show you how I feel' and I said 'you're right. You shouldn't have to. You should want to.'. Isn't that the truth? Idk
maybe I live in some fantasy but I think that when you love someone you should want them to feel loved all the time. For him...I would have done anything to make him feel loved. I never wanted him to think for ever a second I didn't love him. Was it too much to ask the same? Idk. Everyone I have talked to agrees with me but geez...I just wish he understood. Maybe he didn't really love me and was looking for an easy way out? Well I gave it to him. I said 'if you are ready to put a little more effort into this, call me. If not, call me and say goodbye'. Well he called. Called to say goodbye. He was done. After everything he said, he was done. After all our plans, he was done. And now, I feel so lost. I would do anything to get him back but I don't see that happening. From what I know, he's happier now than he was with me. And ugh it hurts so bad knowing that. I hate crying myself to sleep, and that's what I've done. And i'm tired of having to go to the stock room at work to cry cuzz a song comes on that reminds me of him. I just want him back. It makes me sick thinking about him with another girl. Holding her, kissing her, loving her.... I just can't stand it.
But who knows? Maybe everyone is right and I'm better off. Maybe I do deserve someone who wants to treat me the way anyone deserves to be treated? But you know what? I don't even know if I wanna put myself at risk again. I hate hurting like this. How do I know the next guy that comes around won't do the same thing? Cuzz I defintely never saw this coming.