Mathew 7:3
"Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
This is something that I believe everyone struggles with. But geez... I feel like I've taken it to a whole new level. I get so wrapped up in others's flaws and trying to fix them, that I completely forget that I- whether I like to admit it or not- am one very flawed human being. As someone very dear to me always says, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I have good things about me- good characteristics, but I use them in such harmful ways sometimes. And I do things without even thinking about it. It's like I sabotage all the good things that come into my life-totally not meaning to- and then I wonder why they go, why things don't go my way, and why I can't just be happy. I have spent 8 months trying to change and fix someone that quite honestly, doesnt need me to fix him. I have spent so much time trying to 'tweek' him and 'fine tune' him, but you know what? I've been over all making things far more diificult and complicated than they need to be. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. It kills me, however, that it took hours of talking to my dad to realize that the person I should have been focusing on all this time was me. I've acknowledged my issues, but I have not done much to fix them because I thought it wasn't me who needed to really be fixed. Boy was I wrong. It sickens me what I have put him through and what I have put my family through and his family, simply because I was too proud. Too confident in the idea I put in my head that I was a great girlfriend, great daughter, and great friend. That I had done nothing wrong. Ugh. Well let me just put it out there that I have not been so great. I cause drama even when I dont mean to. I manipulate people without realizing I am doing it. I am so codependant that I turn away the people that mean most to me. I over-react over things that aren't that big of a deal. I am so controling that when I feel like I have no control whatsoever over a situation, I FREAK OUT and lash out. Sheesh. That's a lot of crap that I've been ignoring up til now. I have so much to work on! But I am so ready to face those problems! I am so ready to change all that! Not just because it's what I need to do to become a better person, but because I think I have put my loved ones through enough. I'm tired of hurting people! I am tired of the trouble I cause! I have SOOOO much I have to fix! I have SOOO many apologies to give! I have SOOO much to do!!! But I am so ready to do this. In one sense I am happy because I have realized this, but I'm also really disgusted that it has taken me this long to get to the point where I WANT TO CHANGE!!!! Ooooo I am SO ready to change! I know I wont be doing this alone tho-- my family has and will be there with me through it all, my boyfriend who I can't believe I haven't completely driven away, and my true friends- who love me no matter what. But most importantly- God. I have put him on a shelf for far too long. I'm ready to get to the point where I can take him off that shelf.
Well, here it goes. I'm putting my whole self into this. I am NOT going to do this half heartedly. I WILL conquer this battle, and I WILL make things right. No matter what.
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