A dysfunctional family Christmas

I used to like to think Christmas was my favorite holiday. I wear my obnoxious Christmas earrings and listen to nothing but Christmas music (seriously I think I have heard Wham and Andy Williams' voice so much it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life). I have gone out of my way to say 'Merry Christmas' to customers at work even though we aren't supposed to, just because it's Christmas. The decorations around our house are beautiful and the peppermint cookies on our table are delicious- especially when half asleep at 2am with milk straight out of the carton. But this year is different. As much as I have tried to get in a legit Christmas-y mood and acted all 'jolly', I really just want to sleep through this weekend. I've come to realize that Christmas has basically sucked a lot in the past years because of so much family drama. Why did I ever think sitting in a room full of people who act less like family than Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades was fun? All the gossip all the ignorant comments all the looks...what the heck? Isn't Christmas supposed to be a joyous season? Psh.

The closest people to me are my mom, my dad, Brian, and Alyssa. Outside of that, the closest family member to me is my Meemaw. I don't get to see her for Christmas for the 2nd year in a row because people can't settle their differences and accept each other for who they are. There has been a lot of hurt but it hasn't been one sided. I miss her a lot...and it kills me that because of all the drama, she won't come back. In my opinion to you all, get over yourselves and realize that you are family.

We aren't even going to the Glenn family Christmas this year. Just like we didn't go to Thanksgiving. And I really couldn't care less. The amount of pain that has gone on between everyone is horrible. I've said it before and I will say it again...no Glenn is completely blameless right now. Even if you haven't directly said something to someone or publicly shared your opinion, I guarantee there have been nasty comments or nasty thoughts about someone. I noticed a real long time ago how dysfunctional this family is. And you all can pin it on one member of the family (you all know EXACLTY who I am talking about) but one day...whether that be tomorrow, next year, 10 years from now, or when you are kneeling at the feet of Christ being held accountable for your actions, you will see that you were just as wrong as anyone here. I don't really believe in Karma. I believe in His judgment. And if you can live through this Christmas season believing that He isn't shaking His head at the way you all are treating each other, please, tell me what you're on and have a Merry Christmas. It must be nice living in that world of yours.

YOU ARE FAMILY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD SO ACT LIKE IT!!!! IF YOU THINK YOUR ACTIONS ARE GODLY THEN THINK AGAIN!!!

Someday you will regret the way you treated your brother, the way you treated your cousin, the way you treated your niece, just the way you all treat each other. I only wish everyone could just accept each other for who they are and live with it.

Ok so there it is. There really is a lot more. If I could personally write a letter to each of you...I would. And it would be long. Just saying.

So have a Merry Christmas.

Friends.

It really sucks waking up to the fact that you really don't have a lot of friends. I have a lot of "friends" but not a lot of friends.

definition of----

"Friends"- Someone who you talk to, are friendly with, maybe even hang out with. But when it comes down to it, they aren't really going to be there for you when life knocks you down.

If I were to delete all my "Friends" off of facebook, I might as well just delete my facebook. It's slightly overwhelming to me all the people I thought were real friends that really just aren't. And it's slightly depressing. But I'm done wasting my time with people who don't really care. Kthxbye.

Sigh

Sigh. This has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I am doing what I can to change and to earn back the trust that I lost-it hasn't been that difficult...it feels good to make other people happy-but it seems like no matter what I do, nobody really believes in me. Besides the select few, I don't think many people expect me to succeed or get where I want to go. I want sooo badly to prove them wrong and I will, but it just makes it 10 times harder with the things that have been happening.

Discouraged.

Doubt.

Not going to lie, I sometimes question if I really can do this. I sometimes wonder if I really am strong enough to make this life change permanent;that maybe the way I have been is just who I am. Maybe I am just meant to be a pain and a burden. Maybe all this trying is stupid and I should just let this dream go.

NO! NO! NO!

Lies straight from Satan himself!

I won't let it stop me. I will succeed. I will continue to climb this mountain. I will do this for the people I love. Jeremiah Barnes, Linda Glenn, Gerry Glenn, Brian Glenn, Alyssa Glenn, Meredith McClain, The Barnes family...all these people that I care most about in my life deserve this. And you know what? I think I do too. I want to be happy, and I have been the last couple weeks. Knowing that I have been trying my hardest and knowing that everything is going to be better than ever has made me so happy. I have had my downs, but those times don't beat how great it has been.

How great it is going to keep getting.

A legit reason...

I swear... I have been doing such a good job at taking a step back and examining a situation before I get upset or hurt or mad. Many times I have realized that I didn't have a for real reason to be any of that and just let it go. But once the time comes that I have a legit reason to be upset, it really sucks. Sometimes I wonder if people really understand how their actions and words affect other people or if they just don't care...but I dunno. I think I am just going to leave it at that.

Kinda crazy...

It's crazy how just being more easy going and not so controlling can make life so much easier. It's crazy how much others will enjoy being around you when you are more caring and pleasant. It's crazy how much things have changed. It's crazy how fast things are changing. It's crazy how much I love being around my family. It's crazy how I would rather be with my sister than my other friends. It's crazy how much better mine and Jeremiah's relationship has gotten in just a few days. It's crazy how much I love him. It's crazy how just an 'I love you' and a kiss will make me in a better mood after a long day of work. It's crazy how much my mindset has changed about a lot of things. It's crazy how much I want a new job. It's crazy how long it took me to realize how horrible my job was. It's crazy how I am EXCITED about college! It's crazy how my future is looking so much greater than it was less than a week ago. It's crazy how writing every day has helped me stay on track. It's crazy how (even though I don't have much money to spend) easy it has been NOT to spend my money on crap I don't need. It's crazy how just sitting and thinking about things helps me make right decisions.

It's crazy how happy I am...just by making the pure decision to let it all go :)

Listen to Faves

Woot!

Ok...gonna make this quick cuzz I have to wake up in 7 hours for work lol. I went to Hickey college today with my mom and it was so awesome! Going to go for 14 months and get my associates degree in business administrative assistant. SOOO excited....except for the fact that I have to take a GED test since I was homeschooled and everything. Gay. But it will be so worth it!

Well my baby called to talk for a while till I get sleepy :) so I will ttyl!!!!

One happy chick

So guess what? Who woulda thought that me...Katie Glenn...would be going tomorrow for a college tour? Not many people. But I am and I am soooo excited its crazy. Accounting? Paralegal? Hmmm....

And that guy I love? He is more amazing than I even thought he was before. He had every reason to go, but he chose to stay. I can't wait to show him the Katie who really deserves his love...because I haven't done such a good job at that for a long time. Besides my family, I have never had someone in my life who loves me as much as he does, even though I have been kinda a sucky girlfriend... but that's all about to change :):):)

And his family? Yeah. So awesome. As much as I have hurt them, they are still willing to give me another shot. I had the best conversation with his mom tonight...and I can't wait to have many more. I really felt a connection with her that I never exactly let myself open up enough to feel before and it was awesome. She is truly one incredible woman and I am so blessed to have her as my boyfriend's mom. Can't wait to show them all what I can be :)

How bout my family? Lemme just say that I am done taking them for granted and taking advantage of them. I have had such a great couple days re-getting to know my sister and laughing with my mom and dad. Haven't seen to much of the bro but he's a busy kid so it's ok :)...They are the people who love me most in this world and I want them to know just how much they mean to me and just how much I want to be with and around them.

Meredith? Rachel? They have been two of the best girlfriends I have ever had in my entire life. Even when I have put them on the back burner and taken them for granted, they still love me! They still want to hang out with me! SLEEPOVER?!?!?!? I think yes.

I still have some apologies to give and I still have a LOT of trust to earn back, but I am ready and wanting to do whatever it takes to make things right. Just wait and see :)

TTFN--- TaTa For Now :):):)

Two day in...

Look at me writing for the second day in a row. I promise it wont be as long as the last one :). I am really sleepy even though it isn't even 9:30...which I dont like because I know that this means I will be waking up early tomorrow and it's my day off. I woke up like 2 hours earlier than I needed to today because my brain couldn't shut up. Isn't it awesome how I could never get it to work during school, but when I am laying in bed at 7:45am, it's flying at 100mph. I guess I was just super excited about this whole change thing...surprised at how, for the first time in forever, I woke up with a sense of relief. Just knowing that things are going to be different and knowing that I won't be such a burden to my loved ones was an awesome feeling. Seriously though...do you know how exhausting it is being so bratty and needy all the time? It sounds ridiculous, I know, and you are probably asking yourself why I didn't just decide to change a long time ago...and honestly I don't know. I guess old habits die hard? I feel retarded that I didn't see how happy I could be without all the stupid crap I said and did a loooong time ago. Better late than never right? It's only been like 2 days since I have made this decision, and I feel like I have already made huge steps. Mostly because of my attitude towards it (besides my slightly upset mood cuzz I haven't talked to my sweetheart in a couple days...) but I have also done some stuff to improve things....

1) I'm going to start seeing a counselor.

2) I am getting a new job.

3) Going to volunteer somewhere.

4) Re-considering the idea of college.

5) Cutting out people who really shouldn't be in my life.

6) Spending MORE time with the people who love me.

7) Planning on deleting facebook soon.

SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

Things I've learned...

Mathew 7:3
"Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

This is something that I believe everyone struggles with. But geez... I feel like I've taken it to a whole new level. I get so wrapped up in others's flaws and trying to fix them, that I completely forget that I- whether I like to admit it or not- am one very flawed human being. As someone very dear to me always says, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I have good things about me- good characteristics, but I use them in such harmful ways sometimes. And I do things without even thinking about it. It's like I sabotage all the good things that come into my life-totally not meaning to- and then I wonder why they go, why things don't go my way, and why I can't just be happy. I have spent 8 months trying to change and fix someone that quite honestly, doesnt need me to fix him. I have spent so much time trying to 'tweek' him and 'fine tune' him, but you know what? I've been over all making things far more diificult and complicated than they need to be. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. It kills me, however, that it took hours of talking to my dad to realize that the person I should have been focusing on all this time was me. I've acknowledged my issues, but I have not done much to fix them because I thought it wasn't me who needed to really be fixed. Boy was I wrong. It sickens me what I have put him through and what I have put my family through and his family, simply because I was too proud. Too confident in the idea I put in my head that I was a great girlfriend, great daughter, and great friend. That I had done nothing wrong. Ugh. Well let me just put it out there that I have not been so great. I cause drama even when I dont mean to. I manipulate people without realizing I am doing it. I am so codependant that I turn away the people that mean most to me. I over-react over things that aren't that big of a deal. I am so controling that when I feel like I have no control whatsoever over a situation, I FREAK OUT and lash out. Sheesh. That's a lot of crap that I've been ignoring up til now. I have so much to work on! But I am so ready to face those problems! I am so ready to change all that! Not just because it's what I need to do to become a better person, but because I think I have put my loved ones through enough. I'm tired of hurting people! I am tired of the trouble I cause! I have SOOOO much I have to fix! I have SOOO many apologies to give! I have SOOO much to do!!! But I am so ready to do this. In one sense I am happy because I have realized this, but I'm also really disgusted that it has taken me this long to get to the point where I WANT TO CHANGE!!!! Ooooo I am SO ready to change! I know I wont be doing this alone tho-- my family has and will be there with me through it all, my boyfriend who I can't believe I haven't completely driven away, and my true friends- who love me no matter what. But most importantly- God. I have put him on a shelf for far too long. I'm ready to get to the point where I can take him off that shelf.

Well, here it goes. I'm putting my whole self into this. I am NOT going to do this half heartedly. I WILL conquer this battle, and I WILL make things right. No matter what.

Bipolar much?

I feel so bipolar. O wait, I am. But really one minute I'm so happy and the next I feel like crap. Right now, I feel like crap. So yeah, I've done everything I possibly can do numb my pain. I've got myself a new guy. I like him, and hey maybe this one will work, but I still am so uneasy about everything. I miss Jeremiah a lot. I talked to him last Tuesday. It went horrible. He gave me every excuse in the book why he couldn't be with me, and I about couldn't handle it. I eventually just told him to screw off cuzz i deserved better. I told him I would never miss him, that I would never cry for him. Boy was that a lie. Cuzz I'm experiencing both now. He said he didn't have time for me. Bull crap. He said I was too immature for him. Bull crap. He said he couldn't forgive me for the mistakes I've made. Bull crap. Which is true? I would have given anything for this guy and he did everything by laugh in my face.
I'm getting so sick of getting so attached to people. Cuzz eventually, they all leave. They all hurt you. And you know what? I'm ok with being hurt cuzz I know that's just part of any relationship. I've forgiven so many people for so many things-including Jeremiah-and it kills me when they just leave with no legit reason. Cuzz yeah, I screwed up some the first time me and Jeremiah broke up...but not enough that couldn't be forgiven. He chose not to forgive me. And what's ironic is that he always told me not to expect the same kindness from other people that I would give. And I thought he was the exception. He gave me every reason to believe he was the exception. Geez. At what point do I stop giving people the benefit of the doubt? At what point do I stop trusting so much? I don't know. But you know, I don't think I will be able to seriously trust another person again. I don't think I can handle getting hurt like this again. I fall so fast and get attatched so fast, and then when they leave Im left hurt. But like I said, I never saw it coming. I never see it coming. Ugh.

I'm sleepy. But I don't really feel like sleeping. Omg mimes scare me. Oo...random. That really has nothing to do with anything... I'm just watching a movie and a freaky mime just popped up. Anyway... this tattoo I got is already annoying me. It's been one week and I already wish I hadn't gotten it. Not necessarily cuzz I don't like it...it's just I got 'love is kind' etched into my skin, but I'm starting to not believe it. The only love that's ever really been kind to me is Gods and my familys. I know that's enough and all I really need, but I desire more. I want so badly for a guy to love me and want to be committed and loyal and trusting. But is that guy out there? The guy I thought was him, let me down. Made me doubt true love is real. I don't know what's going to happen with him at this point. He could call call tomorrow and say he wants me back... But do I want that? Idk. I mean I do... But I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I will keep updates on that.

On a different note... I'm so ready for my break from work next week. As much as I love my job, I'm in great need of some time off. I really feel like my performance lately has kinda sucked and I blame it on too much working. I dunno what I'm gonna do for a full week tho. I wanted to go somewhere and get out of stcharles but I don't have anyone to go with. Hmm... We will see what happens.

This hurts :/

I haven't written in a long time. Mostly cuzz I am only allowed to use my iPod now. Long story and I don't really feel like getting into that. But ya... I'm going pretty crazy right now. I have sooo many feelings going on in me and it's killing me. I'm happy cuzz I no longer have the stress of a relationship that seemed so one sided. Sad cuzz,well, I just lost the person I love the most in this world. Angry cuzz I would do anything to get him back and angry cuzz I fell for the same crap I have fallen for 3 times already. And stressed cuzz i don't know who I can believe anymore. I mean, this person I thought never would lie to me, never leave me, and never stop loving me is gone. I'm so lost. You see, I love him. More than I love a lot of people. I would kill for this guy. I would walk around the world just to see him and hear him say he loves me one more time. And it kills me because, only a couple of days ago, I thought it was the same for him. Only a day before we broke up we were talking about spending our lives together and how we couldn't wait. He had all the right things to say. Idk I he ever meant it. Ugh. I'm rambling. But I don't care...I'm dying inside. How the heck can things change so fast? How can you go from
'i love you sugar and I can't wait to marry you' to saying basically you are done putting the effort into the relationship in like 1 day? You see, sometimes I didn't feel the love. And I told him when that happened. And he said ' I don't think I should HAVE to show you how I feel' and I said 'you're right. You shouldn't have to. You should want to.'. Isn't that the truth? Idk
maybe I live in some fantasy but I think that when you love someone you should want them to feel loved all the time. For him...I would have done anything to make him feel loved. I never wanted him to think for ever a second I didn't love him. Was it too much to ask the same? Idk. Everyone I have talked to agrees with me but geez...I just wish he understood. Maybe he didn't really love me and was looking for an easy way out? Well I gave it to him. I said 'if you are ready to put a little more effort into this, call me. If not, call me and say goodbye'. Well he called. Called to say goodbye. He was done. After everything he said, he was done. After all our plans, he was done. And now, I feel so lost. I would do anything to get him back but I don't see that happening. From what I know, he's happier now than he was with me. And ugh it hurts so bad knowing that. I hate crying myself to sleep, and that's what I've done. And i'm tired of having to go to the stock room at work to cry cuzz a song comes on that reminds me of him. I just want him back. It makes me sick thinking about him with another girl. Holding her, kissing her, loving her.... I just can't stand it.
But who knows? Maybe everyone is right and I'm better off. Maybe I do deserve someone who wants to treat me the way anyone deserves to be treated? But you know what? I don't even know if I wanna put myself at risk again. I hate hurting like this. How do I know the next guy that comes around won't do the same thing? Cuzz I defintely never saw this coming.

Christians verses non Christians

Ive been up with my dad talking for hours. Its been great since we havent really talked much in a while. One of the things we talked about was Christians versus non Christians and how they live their lives. It made me think: Why is it that some of the most real people I've met are non Christians? Why is it that Christians are so judgmental and fake? Thinking back on the last 4 or 5 years when I really started branching out of my kid naiveness I realize why I have struggled so much with my walk with the Lord and why I have been more prone to making non Christian friends than Christian.
Note that I am NOT trying to place the blame for my mistakes on other people or make excuses for my problems.

Christians versus non Christians I have met:

Non Christians: More welcome. More understanding. More open. Less judgemental. Less arrogant. Less fake.

Christians: More secretive. WAY More judgemental. More arrogant. Fake.

Reading the above makes me think: Well NO WONDER I (and many other teens and adults) struggle with being of the world. You see, when my family first moved to St.Peters I was soooo excited! I was gonna have all these great Christian homeschool friends! Well...the majority turned out to be quite self centered, judgmental, clickish, and stuck up. I will be totally honest...I didnt want ANYTHING to do with them after I tried sooo hard to befriend them. So I turned to people other places. Non Christians. They understood me and accepted me. Why is that? Shouldnt it be the other way around? I simply dont get it. We as Christians are supposed to welcome and support each other. Help each other and lead each other down the right paths. Why have I felt more comfortable going to my non Christian friends with issues and problems than Christians? I look back at all the people I have met at the many churches my family has attended. It's because of the people that we have been driven away so many times. People so judgmental and fake that put on this masquerade that their lives are perfect and look down on you when they realize you have problems! WHAT THE HECK?!?!

I screw up. I screw up on a daily basis just like everyone. But I think I am pretty real. What you see is what I am...I am open. I can talk to just about anyone about my life because I have nothing to hide. The only reason I wouldn't talk to someone about something is because of the fear of being judged. And I love it when people feel they can talk to me because I WONT JUDGE THEM THE WAY I HAVE BEEN JUDGED TIME AND TIME AGAIN. So many times I have gone to these 'Christian friends', only seeking counsel and prayer, and have walked away feeling looked down on and horrible as if they are better than me.

Hate to break it to you...but you have just as many problems as I do. Your sins are equal to mine. So don't act like you are perfect. Don't act like your life is sunshine and rainbows. Don't go to church and put on this act that says 'Oh I love Jesus and ya look at me I'm perfect, my family is perfect, my relationship with God is perfect, and ya everything is perfect!'. It's such an act. I see right through it. And guess who else sees through it? God. Ya. I wonder how He feels about your act? I wonder how He feels about the amount of judgment you place on other people?

A friend of mine grew up in a Christian family. She went to church every week. She started struggling with some things and her church judged her. They turned her away. That was when she was 20. 4 years down the road she is probably the most worldly person I have met. So lost. She has all this knowledge of God but because she saw what all these "Christians" were doing and saying about her she wanted nothing to do with it. Despises God now and everything that has to do with Him.

So I ask you Christians: Are you real or are you fake? Do you put on the show that everything is grand? And when people come to you for guidance and help you look down on them? As if you are better. Hm.

So done

I havent written in a while :/ my bad. I haven't had much to say. Ok that's a lie...I have had plenty to say. But I havent wanted to say anything till now when things are finally starting to look better. The last 24 hours have been great. Pretty difficult but great. I have come to realize who my true friends are and who really loves me. I totally lost sight of that for a good long time cuzz I started wondering about other things...other people...other words and actions that I hadnt used before. I lost the person that meant most to me because of that and it hurt so bad. I was so confused as to what I wanted. I mean...I knew what I wanted (God, Jeremiah, my fam) but I thought maybe I was missing out with some other things. I wanted both worlds I guess. But I couldnt have both worlds. I really hurt Jeremiah to the point he had to leave. After that I didn't see the point in even pretending to be a good person and decided to do whatever I wanted. I am SO ashamed of the way I have acted the last 2 weeks! Im not even gonna say some of the stuff I did and said. Its bad. And last night I couldn't take it anymore...I was so alone... so I texted Jeremiah. He came over at about 1:30 am and we talked till like 6am. I love him. When I actually have the state of mind to listen and want to be a good person...he has the best advice in the entire world (next to my daddy hehe). I feel so silly now for some of the things that I wanted before and hurting those closest to me because of it. None of it was worth it. The happiness that I tried to find in other people and other things only made me feel empty and left me wanting more to try to fill that emptiness (with the exception of a few people who really do care...you know who you are :) ). But I am done. I am done hurting the people who love me most. I am done trying to be friends with people who when it comes down to it just dont care. I am done wondering what it is to have a secular life style. I am done with the language. I am done with the slutty persona I took on. I am done stressing about who likes me or doesnt like me (because in the end I know who will never stop loving me and caring for me...the rest dont really matter!). I am done. The end. Case closed. Forget 'beginning new chapter in my life' cuzz I am starting a whole new book! I have so much to fix and so much stuff to say to so many people. Stuff to say to parents who I cant believe havent given up sooner. Stuff to say to my siblings who I adore but really havent shown that. Stuff to say to a boyfriend who loves me despite everything I have done. Stuff to say to my boyfriends family who are (for good reason) worried for their son. Stuff to say to my true friends who haven't left my side. Stuff to say to my here and now friends who really don't give a crap about me. WHOA! So much to do. But you know what? It's so worth it.

Torn

Geez. Ok. So I think I am officially feeling the lowest I have in forever. I have so much and yet I can't shake this stupid feeling of having so little. I am being ridiculous...I know that...and yet I am not doing anything about it. I have so many choices to make right now but I am so worried I will make the wrong decisions. One big one in particular. I have been waiting for my entire life for this...something...and I am second thinking it for some lame reason. I simply don't know what to do...I have never been so torn. Like I know what I want but I don't know if I'm ready for it. So yeah...work sucked tonight because I couldn't think about anything else other than my own sorry self. Geez. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Mk. So there is a lot on my mind tonight. And it's making my head hurt. First off...my head literally does hurt haha. My mom is all freaked out that its a brain thing but my dad says its just stress. So we will see. Also...my plans for college are getting kinda crazy. Like I thought I knew what I wanted but thats not looking like its gonna happen. And THEN tonight work kinda went a little crazy and I spent like 4 hours mad at my manager, Sarah. See...theres a lot of drama goin on between me and a girl that used to work there. We are both to blame...and the drama died down for a while but it flared up again. So ya it kinda got to me tonight. And I got really mad. So I spent the evening angry and upset.

But then around 10 this woman drove thru and ordered a small soda. I would say she was about 65 or so. She kinda was hiding her face while she paid but I could tell she was crying. I asked if she was ok and she just kinda smiled a little and said "I will be ok. I know I will be ok". So I paid her out and as I was putting the lid on her drink she started crying a little harder and took her soda. Before she drove away I put my hand out and touched her hand on the wheel(she pulled really close to the window so this was easy)and said "Ma'am I dont know what is wrong but I just wanna tell you that it's gonna be alright and I am praying for you." She looked at me like WHOA. She wiped her eyes and smiled a little and said "I wasn't expecting that. Thank you so much, sweetheart. I know it will be ok. Just sometimes its hard to see it that way". Then she drove away.

Idk. After that I apologized to Sarah for being angry at her. I didnt want to be mad. I didnt want to feel sorry for myself. It just kinda touched me. She was the sweetest and cutest old woman I think I have ever seen and you could just tell that something was seriously wrong...and yet she was hopeful. So maybe I should be a little more hopeful and stop feeling sorry for myself. No matter how bad my headaches are...no matter what happens with school...no matter what...things can always be worse. Doesnt help to think about how bad things are and maybe just pray for the best.

Im NOT ok with going to bed angry...or with someone else being angry at me. I dunno why it's just always bothered me. I also can't go to work and work well when I am upset or mad at someone. I think everyone I work with has seen me cry at least once. Why do I let my emotions control everything? I see people with way worse lives than mine come to work or wherever and act like they are fine. Why do I wear my heart on my sleeve? So many things that I wish were different about me. My biggest one is going to bed angry or upset tho. I can't sleep. So here I am...about to prolly stay up all night cuzz someone I care about is upset with me and I cant stand it. I want to talk about it...but thats not happening. Didnt Jesus say not to let the sun go down on your anger? So maybe I have an ok point here...anyway... So I am blogging. Which nobody will prolly read lol. But i really have not a lot to say so I am done now...

Why?

Life sucks sometimes. I know this as well as any other person. Why do bad things happen to good people? Sometimes life just plain doesnt seem fair. As I sit here and talk to a friend about the pain he is going through in his life...I wonder: what has he done to deserve such a difficult life? Hes a good person and a lover of Christ. Why is this happening to him? But then I think of Job. Job was a die hard follower of Christ despite the fact that he lost his entire family...his house...everything. All this happened and yet he still praised the Lord. Maybe we all need to be more like Job. Well..not maybe. We DO need to be more like him. Think about it like this: If our lives were all rainbows and butterflies then how would we learn to depend on the Lord? How would we learn to trust Him and lean on Him as much as we should? God allows tough things to happen to us so that we can use it to strengthen our relationship with Him. Idk. I feel like I am rambling right now but I am just hurting for this friend. I wish I could take the pain away from him but I cant. I cant even give him advice to help ease his suffering. Sheesh.

An old friend.

So I was told tonight to move on. To just forget. But how do you forget someone who was your best friend? Someone you told everything to. Someone you shared ridiculous inside jokes with. Someone you talked to for hours at ends with. Its been like 5 months since I have even seen this girl but I still cant get her out of my head. I was talking to someone a little while back about love. I think I came to the conclusion that if you really love someone you can't ever get them truly and honestly out of your heart. That's how it is with this friend of mine. I love her to death. I may have messed up and done dumb stuff in our friendship but geez I would give anything to get her friendship back. Ha. I'm even dedicating a whole blog entry about her. She says that she doesnt think it's what God wants but I dont think there is anything wrong with being friends again. sheesh. what to do?

Sleep...

So I should be asleep but I'm not. Jeremiah and I are supposed to be going bike riding at like 9am tomorrow. Ha. (Thats super early for me...). I was kinda wanting to do this blog stuff for a while but just didnt figure I had anything interesting to say. But maybe I do....not tonight though. I just wanted a first entry :). I will write more tomorrow...or the next day. ok. Peace :)