Mk. So there is a lot on my mind tonight. And it's making my head hurt. First off...my head literally does hurt haha. My mom is all freaked out that its a brain thing but my dad says its just stress. So we will see. Also...my plans for college are getting kinda crazy. Like I thought I knew what I wanted but thats not looking like its gonna happen. And THEN tonight work kinda went a little crazy and I spent like 4 hours mad at my manager, Sarah. See...theres a lot of drama goin on between me and a girl that used to work there. We are both to blame...and the drama died down for a while but it flared up again. So ya it kinda got to me tonight. And I got really mad. So I spent the evening angry and upset.

But then around 10 this woman drove thru and ordered a small soda. I would say she was about 65 or so. She kinda was hiding her face while she paid but I could tell she was crying. I asked if she was ok and she just kinda smiled a little and said "I will be ok. I know I will be ok". So I paid her out and as I was putting the lid on her drink she started crying a little harder and took her soda. Before she drove away I put my hand out and touched her hand on the wheel(she pulled really close to the window so this was easy)and said "Ma'am I dont know what is wrong but I just wanna tell you that it's gonna be alright and I am praying for you." She looked at me like WHOA. She wiped her eyes and smiled a little and said "I wasn't expecting that. Thank you so much, sweetheart. I know it will be ok. Just sometimes its hard to see it that way". Then she drove away.

Idk. After that I apologized to Sarah for being angry at her. I didnt want to be mad. I didnt want to feel sorry for myself. It just kinda touched me. She was the sweetest and cutest old woman I think I have ever seen and you could just tell that something was seriously wrong...and yet she was hopeful. So maybe I should be a little more hopeful and stop feeling sorry for myself. No matter how bad my headaches are...no matter what happens with school...no matter what...things can always be worse. Doesnt help to think about how bad things are and maybe just pray for the best.

Im NOT ok with going to bed angry...or with someone else being angry at me. I dunno why it's just always bothered me. I also can't go to work and work well when I am upset or mad at someone. I think everyone I work with has seen me cry at least once. Why do I let my emotions control everything? I see people with way worse lives than mine come to work or wherever and act like they are fine. Why do I wear my heart on my sleeve? So many things that I wish were different about me. My biggest one is going to bed angry or upset tho. I can't sleep. So here I am...about to prolly stay up all night cuzz someone I care about is upset with me and I cant stand it. I want to talk about it...but thats not happening. Didnt Jesus say not to let the sun go down on your anger? So maybe I have an ok point here...anyway... So I am blogging. Which nobody will prolly read lol. But i really have not a lot to say so I am done now...

Why?

Life sucks sometimes. I know this as well as any other person. Why do bad things happen to good people? Sometimes life just plain doesnt seem fair. As I sit here and talk to a friend about the pain he is going through in his life...I wonder: what has he done to deserve such a difficult life? Hes a good person and a lover of Christ. Why is this happening to him? But then I think of Job. Job was a die hard follower of Christ despite the fact that he lost his entire family...his house...everything. All this happened and yet he still praised the Lord. Maybe we all need to be more like Job. Well..not maybe. We DO need to be more like him. Think about it like this: If our lives were all rainbows and butterflies then how would we learn to depend on the Lord? How would we learn to trust Him and lean on Him as much as we should? God allows tough things to happen to us so that we can use it to strengthen our relationship with Him. Idk. I feel like I am rambling right now but I am just hurting for this friend. I wish I could take the pain away from him but I cant. I cant even give him advice to help ease his suffering. Sheesh.

An old friend.

So I was told tonight to move on. To just forget. But how do you forget someone who was your best friend? Someone you told everything to. Someone you shared ridiculous inside jokes with. Someone you talked to for hours at ends with. Its been like 5 months since I have even seen this girl but I still cant get her out of my head. I was talking to someone a little while back about love. I think I came to the conclusion that if you really love someone you can't ever get them truly and honestly out of your heart. That's how it is with this friend of mine. I love her to death. I may have messed up and done dumb stuff in our friendship but geez I would give anything to get her friendship back. Ha. I'm even dedicating a whole blog entry about her. She says that she doesnt think it's what God wants but I dont think there is anything wrong with being friends again. sheesh. what to do?

Sleep...

So I should be asleep but I'm not. Jeremiah and I are supposed to be going bike riding at like 9am tomorrow. Ha. (Thats super early for me...). I was kinda wanting to do this blog stuff for a while but just didnt figure I had anything interesting to say. But maybe I do....not tonight though. I just wanted a first entry :). I will write more tomorrow...or the next day. ok. Peace :)