Christians verses non Christians

Ive been up with my dad talking for hours. Its been great since we havent really talked much in a while. One of the things we talked about was Christians versus non Christians and how they live their lives. It made me think: Why is it that some of the most real people I've met are non Christians? Why is it that Christians are so judgmental and fake? Thinking back on the last 4 or 5 years when I really started branching out of my kid naiveness I realize why I have struggled so much with my walk with the Lord and why I have been more prone to making non Christian friends than Christian.
Note that I am NOT trying to place the blame for my mistakes on other people or make excuses for my problems.

Christians versus non Christians I have met:

Non Christians: More welcome. More understanding. More open. Less judgemental. Less arrogant. Less fake.

Christians: More secretive. WAY More judgemental. More arrogant. Fake.

Reading the above makes me think: Well NO WONDER I (and many other teens and adults) struggle with being of the world. You see, when my family first moved to St.Peters I was soooo excited! I was gonna have all these great Christian homeschool friends! Well...the majority turned out to be quite self centered, judgmental, clickish, and stuck up. I will be totally honest...I didnt want ANYTHING to do with them after I tried sooo hard to befriend them. So I turned to people other places. Non Christians. They understood me and accepted me. Why is that? Shouldnt it be the other way around? I simply dont get it. We as Christians are supposed to welcome and support each other. Help each other and lead each other down the right paths. Why have I felt more comfortable going to my non Christian friends with issues and problems than Christians? I look back at all the people I have met at the many churches my family has attended. It's because of the people that we have been driven away so many times. People so judgmental and fake that put on this masquerade that their lives are perfect and look down on you when they realize you have problems! WHAT THE HECK?!?!

I screw up. I screw up on a daily basis just like everyone. But I think I am pretty real. What you see is what I am...I am open. I can talk to just about anyone about my life because I have nothing to hide. The only reason I wouldn't talk to someone about something is because of the fear of being judged. And I love it when people feel they can talk to me because I WONT JUDGE THEM THE WAY I HAVE BEEN JUDGED TIME AND TIME AGAIN. So many times I have gone to these 'Christian friends', only seeking counsel and prayer, and have walked away feeling looked down on and horrible as if they are better than me.

Hate to break it to you...but you have just as many problems as I do. Your sins are equal to mine. So don't act like you are perfect. Don't act like your life is sunshine and rainbows. Don't go to church and put on this act that says 'Oh I love Jesus and ya look at me I'm perfect, my family is perfect, my relationship with God is perfect, and ya everything is perfect!'. It's such an act. I see right through it. And guess who else sees through it? God. Ya. I wonder how He feels about your act? I wonder how He feels about the amount of judgment you place on other people?

A friend of mine grew up in a Christian family. She went to church every week. She started struggling with some things and her church judged her. They turned her away. That was when she was 20. 4 years down the road she is probably the most worldly person I have met. So lost. She has all this knowledge of God but because she saw what all these "Christians" were doing and saying about her she wanted nothing to do with it. Despises God now and everything that has to do with Him.

So I ask you Christians: Are you real or are you fake? Do you put on the show that everything is grand? And when people come to you for guidance and help you look down on them? As if you are better. Hm.

So done

I havent written in a while :/ my bad. I haven't had much to say. Ok that's a lie...I have had plenty to say. But I havent wanted to say anything till now when things are finally starting to look better. The last 24 hours have been great. Pretty difficult but great. I have come to realize who my true friends are and who really loves me. I totally lost sight of that for a good long time cuzz I started wondering about other things...other people...other words and actions that I hadnt used before. I lost the person that meant most to me because of that and it hurt so bad. I was so confused as to what I wanted. I mean...I knew what I wanted (God, Jeremiah, my fam) but I thought maybe I was missing out with some other things. I wanted both worlds I guess. But I couldnt have both worlds. I really hurt Jeremiah to the point he had to leave. After that I didn't see the point in even pretending to be a good person and decided to do whatever I wanted. I am SO ashamed of the way I have acted the last 2 weeks! Im not even gonna say some of the stuff I did and said. Its bad. And last night I couldn't take it anymore...I was so alone... so I texted Jeremiah. He came over at about 1:30 am and we talked till like 6am. I love him. When I actually have the state of mind to listen and want to be a good person...he has the best advice in the entire world (next to my daddy hehe). I feel so silly now for some of the things that I wanted before and hurting those closest to me because of it. None of it was worth it. The happiness that I tried to find in other people and other things only made me feel empty and left me wanting more to try to fill that emptiness (with the exception of a few people who really do care...you know who you are :) ). But I am done. I am done hurting the people who love me most. I am done trying to be friends with people who when it comes down to it just dont care. I am done wondering what it is to have a secular life style. I am done with the language. I am done with the slutty persona I took on. I am done stressing about who likes me or doesnt like me (because in the end I know who will never stop loving me and caring for me...the rest dont really matter!). I am done. The end. Case closed. Forget 'beginning new chapter in my life' cuzz I am starting a whole new book! I have so much to fix and so much stuff to say to so many people. Stuff to say to parents who I cant believe havent given up sooner. Stuff to say to my siblings who I adore but really havent shown that. Stuff to say to a boyfriend who loves me despite everything I have done. Stuff to say to my boyfriends family who are (for good reason) worried for their son. Stuff to say to my true friends who haven't left my side. Stuff to say to my here and now friends who really don't give a crap about me. WHOA! So much to do. But you know what? It's so worth it.

Torn

Geez. Ok. So I think I am officially feeling the lowest I have in forever. I have so much and yet I can't shake this stupid feeling of having so little. I am being ridiculous...I know that...and yet I am not doing anything about it. I have so many choices to make right now but I am so worried I will make the wrong decisions. One big one in particular. I have been waiting for my entire life for this...something...and I am second thinking it for some lame reason. I simply don't know what to do...I have never been so torn. Like I know what I want but I don't know if I'm ready for it. So yeah...work sucked tonight because I couldn't think about anything else other than my own sorry self. Geez. Hopefully tomorrow is better.