Sigh. This has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I am doing what I can to change and to earn back the trust that I lost-it hasn't been that difficult...it feels good to make other people happy-but it seems like no matter what I do, nobody really believes in me. Besides the select few, I don't think many people expect me to succeed or get where I want to go. I want sooo badly to prove them wrong and I will, but it just makes it 10 times harder with the things that have been happening.
Discouraged.
Doubt.
Not going to lie, I sometimes question if I really can do this. I sometimes wonder if I really am strong enough to make this life change permanent;that maybe the way I have been is just who I am. Maybe I am just meant to be a pain and a burden. Maybe all this trying is stupid and I should just let this dream go.
NO! NO! NO!
Lies straight from Satan himself!
I won't let it stop me. I will succeed. I will continue to climb this mountain. I will do this for the people I love. Jeremiah Barnes, Linda Glenn, Gerry Glenn, Brian Glenn, Alyssa Glenn, Meredith McClain, The Barnes family...all these people that I care most about in my life deserve this. And you know what? I think I do too. I want to be happy, and I have been the last couple weeks. Knowing that I have been trying my hardest and knowing that everything is going to be better than ever has made me so happy. I have had my downs, but those times don't beat how great it has been.
How great it is going to keep getting.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
A legit reason...
I swear... I have been doing such a good job at taking a step back and examining a situation before I get upset or hurt or mad. Many times I have realized that I didn't have a for real reason to be any of that and just let it go. But once the time comes that I have a legit reason to be upset, it really sucks. Sometimes I wonder if people really understand how their actions and words affect other people or if they just don't care...but I dunno. I think I am just going to leave it at that.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Kinda crazy...
It's crazy how just being more easy going and not so controlling can make life so much easier. It's crazy how much others will enjoy being around you when you are more caring and pleasant. It's crazy how much things have changed. It's crazy how fast things are changing. It's crazy how much I love being around my family. It's crazy how I would rather be with my sister than my other friends. It's crazy how much better mine and Jeremiah's relationship has gotten in just a few days. It's crazy how much I love him. It's crazy how just an 'I love you' and a kiss will make me in a better mood after a long day of work. It's crazy how much my mindset has changed about a lot of things. It's crazy how much I want a new job. It's crazy how long it took me to realize how horrible my job was. It's crazy how I am EXCITED about college! It's crazy how my future is looking so much greater than it was less than a week ago. It's crazy how writing every day has helped me stay on track. It's crazy how (even though I don't have much money to spend) easy it has been NOT to spend my money on crap I don't need. It's crazy how just sitting and thinking about things helps me make right decisions.
It's crazy how happy I am...just by making the pure decision to let it all go :)
It's crazy how happy I am...just by making the pure decision to let it all go :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Woot!
Ok...gonna make this quick cuzz I have to wake up in 7 hours for work lol. I went to Hickey college today with my mom and it was so awesome! Going to go for 14 months and get my associates degree in business administrative assistant. SOOO excited....except for the fact that I have to take a GED test since I was homeschooled and everything. Gay. But it will be so worth it!
Well my baby called to talk for a while till I get sleepy :) so I will ttyl!!!!
Well my baby called to talk for a while till I get sleepy :) so I will ttyl!!!!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
One happy chick
So guess what? Who woulda thought that me...Katie Glenn...would be going tomorrow for a college tour? Not many people. But I am and I am soooo excited its crazy. Accounting? Paralegal? Hmmm....
And that guy I love? He is more amazing than I even thought he was before. He had every reason to go, but he chose to stay. I can't wait to show him the Katie who really deserves his love...because I haven't done such a good job at that for a long time. Besides my family, I have never had someone in my life who loves me as much as he does, even though I have been kinda a sucky girlfriend... but that's all about to change :):):)
And his family? Yeah. So awesome. As much as I have hurt them, they are still willing to give me another shot. I had the best conversation with his mom tonight...and I can't wait to have many more. I really felt a connection with her that I never exactly let myself open up enough to feel before and it was awesome. She is truly one incredible woman and I am so blessed to have her as my boyfriend's mom. Can't wait to show them all what I can be :)
How bout my family? Lemme just say that I am done taking them for granted and taking advantage of them. I have had such a great couple days re-getting to know my sister and laughing with my mom and dad. Haven't seen to much of the bro but he's a busy kid so it's ok :)...They are the people who love me most in this world and I want them to know just how much they mean to me and just how much I want to be with and around them.
Meredith? Rachel? They have been two of the best girlfriends I have ever had in my entire life. Even when I have put them on the back burner and taken them for granted, they still love me! They still want to hang out with me! SLEEPOVER?!?!?!? I think yes.
I still have some apologies to give and I still have a LOT of trust to earn back, but I am ready and wanting to do whatever it takes to make things right. Just wait and see :)
TTFN--- TaTa For Now :):):)
And that guy I love? He is more amazing than I even thought he was before. He had every reason to go, but he chose to stay. I can't wait to show him the Katie who really deserves his love...because I haven't done such a good job at that for a long time. Besides my family, I have never had someone in my life who loves me as much as he does, even though I have been kinda a sucky girlfriend... but that's all about to change :):):)
And his family? Yeah. So awesome. As much as I have hurt them, they are still willing to give me another shot. I had the best conversation with his mom tonight...and I can't wait to have many more. I really felt a connection with her that I never exactly let myself open up enough to feel before and it was awesome. She is truly one incredible woman and I am so blessed to have her as my boyfriend's mom. Can't wait to show them all what I can be :)
How bout my family? Lemme just say that I am done taking them for granted and taking advantage of them. I have had such a great couple days re-getting to know my sister and laughing with my mom and dad. Haven't seen to much of the bro but he's a busy kid so it's ok :)...They are the people who love me most in this world and I want them to know just how much they mean to me and just how much I want to be with and around them.
Meredith? Rachel? They have been two of the best girlfriends I have ever had in my entire life. Even when I have put them on the back burner and taken them for granted, they still love me! They still want to hang out with me! SLEEPOVER?!?!?!? I think yes.
I still have some apologies to give and I still have a LOT of trust to earn back, but I am ready and wanting to do whatever it takes to make things right. Just wait and see :)
TTFN--- TaTa For Now :):):)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Two day in...
Look at me writing for the second day in a row. I promise it wont be as long as the last one :). I am really sleepy even though it isn't even 9:30...which I dont like because I know that this means I will be waking up early tomorrow and it's my day off. I woke up like 2 hours earlier than I needed to today because my brain couldn't shut up. Isn't it awesome how I could never get it to work during school, but when I am laying in bed at 7:45am, it's flying at 100mph. I guess I was just super excited about this whole change thing...surprised at how, for the first time in forever, I woke up with a sense of relief. Just knowing that things are going to be different and knowing that I won't be such a burden to my loved ones was an awesome feeling. Seriously though...do you know how exhausting it is being so bratty and needy all the time? It sounds ridiculous, I know, and you are probably asking yourself why I didn't just decide to change a long time ago...and honestly I don't know. I guess old habits die hard? I feel retarded that I didn't see how happy I could be without all the stupid crap I said and did a loooong time ago. Better late than never right? It's only been like 2 days since I have made this decision, and I feel like I have already made huge steps. Mostly because of my attitude towards it (besides my slightly upset mood cuzz I haven't talked to my sweetheart in a couple days...) but I have also done some stuff to improve things....
1) I'm going to start seeing a counselor.
2) I am getting a new job.
3) Going to volunteer somewhere.
4) Re-considering the idea of college.
5) Cutting out people who really shouldn't be in my life.
6) Spending MORE time with the people who love me.
7) Planning on deleting facebook soon.
SO EXCITED!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Things I've learned...
Mathew 7:3
"Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
This is something that I believe everyone struggles with. But geez... I feel like I've taken it to a whole new level. I get so wrapped up in others's flaws and trying to fix them, that I completely forget that I- whether I like to admit it or not- am one very flawed human being. As someone very dear to me always says, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I have good things about me- good characteristics, but I use them in such harmful ways sometimes. And I do things without even thinking about it. It's like I sabotage all the good things that come into my life-totally not meaning to- and then I wonder why they go, why things don't go my way, and why I can't just be happy. I have spent 8 months trying to change and fix someone that quite honestly, doesnt need me to fix him. I have spent so much time trying to 'tweek' him and 'fine tune' him, but you know what? I've been over all making things far more diificult and complicated than they need to be. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. It kills me, however, that it took hours of talking to my dad to realize that the person I should have been focusing on all this time was me. I've acknowledged my issues, but I have not done much to fix them because I thought it wasn't me who needed to really be fixed. Boy was I wrong. It sickens me what I have put him through and what I have put my family through and his family, simply because I was too proud. Too confident in the idea I put in my head that I was a great girlfriend, great daughter, and great friend. That I had done nothing wrong. Ugh. Well let me just put it out there that I have not been so great. I cause drama even when I dont mean to. I manipulate people without realizing I am doing it. I am so codependant that I turn away the people that mean most to me. I over-react over things that aren't that big of a deal. I am so controling that when I feel like I have no control whatsoever over a situation, I FREAK OUT and lash out. Sheesh. That's a lot of crap that I've been ignoring up til now. I have so much to work on! But I am so ready to face those problems! I am so ready to change all that! Not just because it's what I need to do to become a better person, but because I think I have put my loved ones through enough. I'm tired of hurting people! I am tired of the trouble I cause! I have SOOOO much I have to fix! I have SOOO many apologies to give! I have SOOO much to do!!! But I am so ready to do this. In one sense I am happy because I have realized this, but I'm also really disgusted that it has taken me this long to get to the point where I WANT TO CHANGE!!!! Ooooo I am SO ready to change! I know I wont be doing this alone tho-- my family has and will be there with me through it all, my boyfriend who I can't believe I haven't completely driven away, and my true friends- who love me no matter what. But most importantly- God. I have put him on a shelf for far too long. I'm ready to get to the point where I can take him off that shelf.
Well, here it goes. I'm putting my whole self into this. I am NOT going to do this half heartedly. I WILL conquer this battle, and I WILL make things right. No matter what.
"Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
This is something that I believe everyone struggles with. But geez... I feel like I've taken it to a whole new level. I get so wrapped up in others's flaws and trying to fix them, that I completely forget that I- whether I like to admit it or not- am one very flawed human being. As someone very dear to me always says, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I have good things about me- good characteristics, but I use them in such harmful ways sometimes. And I do things without even thinking about it. It's like I sabotage all the good things that come into my life-totally not meaning to- and then I wonder why they go, why things don't go my way, and why I can't just be happy. I have spent 8 months trying to change and fix someone that quite honestly, doesnt need me to fix him. I have spent so much time trying to 'tweek' him and 'fine tune' him, but you know what? I've been over all making things far more diificult and complicated than they need to be. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. It kills me, however, that it took hours of talking to my dad to realize that the person I should have been focusing on all this time was me. I've acknowledged my issues, but I have not done much to fix them because I thought it wasn't me who needed to really be fixed. Boy was I wrong. It sickens me what I have put him through and what I have put my family through and his family, simply because I was too proud. Too confident in the idea I put in my head that I was a great girlfriend, great daughter, and great friend. That I had done nothing wrong. Ugh. Well let me just put it out there that I have not been so great. I cause drama even when I dont mean to. I manipulate people without realizing I am doing it. I am so codependant that I turn away the people that mean most to me. I over-react over things that aren't that big of a deal. I am so controling that when I feel like I have no control whatsoever over a situation, I FREAK OUT and lash out. Sheesh. That's a lot of crap that I've been ignoring up til now. I have so much to work on! But I am so ready to face those problems! I am so ready to change all that! Not just because it's what I need to do to become a better person, but because I think I have put my loved ones through enough. I'm tired of hurting people! I am tired of the trouble I cause! I have SOOOO much I have to fix! I have SOOO many apologies to give! I have SOOO much to do!!! But I am so ready to do this. In one sense I am happy because I have realized this, but I'm also really disgusted that it has taken me this long to get to the point where I WANT TO CHANGE!!!! Ooooo I am SO ready to change! I know I wont be doing this alone tho-- my family has and will be there with me through it all, my boyfriend who I can't believe I haven't completely driven away, and my true friends- who love me no matter what. But most importantly- God. I have put him on a shelf for far too long. I'm ready to get to the point where I can take him off that shelf.
Well, here it goes. I'm putting my whole self into this. I am NOT going to do this half heartedly. I WILL conquer this battle, and I WILL make things right. No matter what.
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