Bipolar much?

I feel so bipolar. O wait, I am. But really one minute I'm so happy and the next I feel like crap. Right now, I feel like crap. So yeah, I've done everything I possibly can do numb my pain. I've got myself a new guy. I like him, and hey maybe this one will work, but I still am so uneasy about everything. I miss Jeremiah a lot. I talked to him last Tuesday. It went horrible. He gave me every excuse in the book why he couldn't be with me, and I about couldn't handle it. I eventually just told him to screw off cuzz i deserved better. I told him I would never miss him, that I would never cry for him. Boy was that a lie. Cuzz I'm experiencing both now. He said he didn't have time for me. Bull crap. He said I was too immature for him. Bull crap. He said he couldn't forgive me for the mistakes I've made. Bull crap. Which is true? I would have given anything for this guy and he did everything by laugh in my face.
I'm getting so sick of getting so attached to people. Cuzz eventually, they all leave. They all hurt you. And you know what? I'm ok with being hurt cuzz I know that's just part of any relationship. I've forgiven so many people for so many things-including Jeremiah-and it kills me when they just leave with no legit reason. Cuzz yeah, I screwed up some the first time me and Jeremiah broke up...but not enough that couldn't be forgiven. He chose not to forgive me. And what's ironic is that he always told me not to expect the same kindness from other people that I would give. And I thought he was the exception. He gave me every reason to believe he was the exception. Geez. At what point do I stop giving people the benefit of the doubt? At what point do I stop trusting so much? I don't know. But you know, I don't think I will be able to seriously trust another person again. I don't think I can handle getting hurt like this again. I fall so fast and get attatched so fast, and then when they leave Im left hurt. But like I said, I never saw it coming. I never see it coming. Ugh.

I'm sleepy. But I don't really feel like sleeping. Omg mimes scare me. Oo...random. That really has nothing to do with anything... I'm just watching a movie and a freaky mime just popped up. Anyway... this tattoo I got is already annoying me. It's been one week and I already wish I hadn't gotten it. Not necessarily cuzz I don't like it...it's just I got 'love is kind' etched into my skin, but I'm starting to not believe it. The only love that's ever really been kind to me is Gods and my familys. I know that's enough and all I really need, but I desire more. I want so badly for a guy to love me and want to be committed and loyal and trusting. But is that guy out there? The guy I thought was him, let me down. Made me doubt true love is real. I don't know what's going to happen with him at this point. He could call call tomorrow and say he wants me back... But do I want that? Idk. I mean I do... But I'm so scared of getting hurt again. I will keep updates on that.

On a different note... I'm so ready for my break from work next week. As much as I love my job, I'm in great need of some time off. I really feel like my performance lately has kinda sucked and I blame it on too much working. I dunno what I'm gonna do for a full week tho. I wanted to go somewhere and get out of stcharles but I don't have anyone to go with. Hmm... We will see what happens.

This hurts :/

I haven't written in a long time. Mostly cuzz I am only allowed to use my iPod now. Long story and I don't really feel like getting into that. But ya... I'm going pretty crazy right now. I have sooo many feelings going on in me and it's killing me. I'm happy cuzz I no longer have the stress of a relationship that seemed so one sided. Sad cuzz,well, I just lost the person I love the most in this world. Angry cuzz I would do anything to get him back and angry cuzz I fell for the same crap I have fallen for 3 times already. And stressed cuzz i don't know who I can believe anymore. I mean, this person I thought never would lie to me, never leave me, and never stop loving me is gone. I'm so lost. You see, I love him. More than I love a lot of people. I would kill for this guy. I would walk around the world just to see him and hear him say he loves me one more time. And it kills me because, only a couple of days ago, I thought it was the same for him. Only a day before we broke up we were talking about spending our lives together and how we couldn't wait. He had all the right things to say. Idk I he ever meant it. Ugh. I'm rambling. But I don't care...I'm dying inside. How the heck can things change so fast? How can you go from
'i love you sugar and I can't wait to marry you' to saying basically you are done putting the effort into the relationship in like 1 day? You see, sometimes I didn't feel the love. And I told him when that happened. And he said ' I don't think I should HAVE to show you how I feel' and I said 'you're right. You shouldn't have to. You should want to.'. Isn't that the truth? Idk
maybe I live in some fantasy but I think that when you love someone you should want them to feel loved all the time. For him...I would have done anything to make him feel loved. I never wanted him to think for ever a second I didn't love him. Was it too much to ask the same? Idk. Everyone I have talked to agrees with me but geez...I just wish he understood. Maybe he didn't really love me and was looking for an easy way out? Well I gave it to him. I said 'if you are ready to put a little more effort into this, call me. If not, call me and say goodbye'. Well he called. Called to say goodbye. He was done. After everything he said, he was done. After all our plans, he was done. And now, I feel so lost. I would do anything to get him back but I don't see that happening. From what I know, he's happier now than he was with me. And ugh it hurts so bad knowing that. I hate crying myself to sleep, and that's what I've done. And i'm tired of having to go to the stock room at work to cry cuzz a song comes on that reminds me of him. I just want him back. It makes me sick thinking about him with another girl. Holding her, kissing her, loving her.... I just can't stand it.
But who knows? Maybe everyone is right and I'm better off. Maybe I do deserve someone who wants to treat me the way anyone deserves to be treated? But you know what? I don't even know if I wanna put myself at risk again. I hate hurting like this. How do I know the next guy that comes around won't do the same thing? Cuzz I defintely never saw this coming.